9 Things To Stop Doing On Airplanes: A Blank Stare

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 Happy New Year and all that jazz. Wishing you all the best over the next 300+ days. Now that we've covered the pleasantries, I've gotta get something off of my chest. Here's the thing: I’ve been on 7 flights over the last month. SEVEN. I’ve flown first class, business class and coach. I’ve flown on straight flights and connecting ones. Full flights and flights that were nearly empty. And you know what I've found? Some of you (not you specifically because I know if you read this site you couldn't be this crazy...so not you, your cousins though) really have no flying manners. None. Nada. Zilch. As we prepare for the year of our Lord 2018, I want to help us all have a better experience in the friendly skies. So gather round...

Flying With A Virus And Refusing To Cover Your Mouth

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Coughing without covering your mouth is a sin. It’s in your bible. Look it up. And no I don’t care that your cough is not technically indicative of a cold—-its a cough...cover your mouth, nasty. I don’t want your disease, sir/ma’am, I just want to get to my destination. I don't want to smell your breath, I don't want to imagine your phlegm possibly escaping your throat and coming anywhere in close proximity to me. Don't touch me, my things and, most importantly, my snacks when the cart comes around. I understand that you want to be helpful but those germs, homie. Also, as well, in addition to----hand sanitizer is a thing. It is cheap, available in several sizes and easy to find. And if I offer you some of my hand sanitizer have the good sense to take some. If not for you, for me.

editor's note: Sneezing without covering your mouth is also in the good book. HomeTraininglations 2:13 KJV. Be blessed.

 Being a Chatty Cathy/Carl When Your Neighbor Is Uninterested

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Headphones are the universal sign for “I don’t want to talk”, so if I have to remove a headphone to hear what you’re saying—-*eye roll*. I’m all down for a quick introduction, small talk when the cart comes around maybe even a shared moment when you try to steal my arm rest and I have to give you the polite smirk that means “this one’s mine, boo” BUT when I’m clearly watching a movie/reading a book/listening to music/SLEEPING—-why are you talking? Why are you telling me things I’d never need to know about a person I’m never going to see again? Why are you doing this? Why are you like this? Why can’t you pick a movie and be silent like the rest of us? I actually had a woman who was *clap* watching *clap* my *clap* screen. Yes, she had her eyeballs on the movie that I picked and even laughed at a part of the movie that she let me know was her “favorite part”. It's gone too far, Cathy/Carl. It's time to chill. 

Failing To Wash Your Body

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I shouldn’t have to say this and yet...here. we. are. Why are y’all skipping showers/washups on flight days? Why are y’all doing this? Did you forget you had a flight? Do you know how close you’re going to be to other people? Do you know how many smells are already going to be in the air and you’ve chosen to bypass water and soap? Smh. And if you know that you haven’t showered...why are your shoes off? Why are you stretching boldly with your arms lifted in the air? Why are you a Chatty Cathy/Carl forcing me to engage with you and your smells? Why are you torturing me? Do you want to fight? Clean your bodies. This is a non-negotiable. 

 

Bringing Food That Has Strong Smells

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Hey look, I know airport food is ridiculously overpriced and I completely understand taking your snack game seriously but sis, a tuna sandwich and a boiled egg could NOT have been your only choice. There’s no way. If you have tuna, you at least have beans and possibly some rice...why didn’t you go for the beans and rice, ma’am?! Would you take a tuna sandwich into a small room with no windows where you may have to talk to someone sitting less than a foot away from you?! No. No you wouldn’t because why?! BECAUSE TUNA FISH SMELLS LIKE A VENEREAL DISEASE  IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME SO IT DEFINITELY SMELLS LIKE ONE IN A SMALL PUBLIC SPACE! Jesus, Mary Mary and Tye Tribett! Stop this. And I’m looking at you who bring your home cooked meals with your various seasonings as well...come on, Cousin. Grandma’s greens and yams don’t smell the way they do on the Thanksgiving table when you’re 50,000 feet off the ground with no fresh air. Grab yourself a Hawaiian roll and a nice slice of turkey make yourself a little sandwich and tell your stomach to find some peace.

Taking People's Seats So You Can Sit With Your Friend(s)

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Here’s what happens: I have my boarding pass. You have yours. There are seat numbers. I’ve selected (and possibly paid) for my specific seat. You’ve done the same. Your friends have done so as well. I lug my bags into an overhead bin, check my boarding pass and find that you’re in my seat. So I say “hey, are you 15A? Because I am too”. I’m being nice because I know there’s no way we have the same seat. You feign ignorance at first and then say “we’re friends and we actually want to sit together. You can have mine. I’m whatever-terrible-middle-seat-you’ve-stolen-my-window-seat-for”. It’s a no for me, dawg. Get out of my seat. You and your friend can kiki when this flight lands but I’m gonna need you to lift your cheeks and move. The only time this is even slightly ok is if it’s a family. A parent with young children. Possibly an elder couple. But you “I can’t be away from my friend for more than an hour even though we’re going on a trip together” people are ruining it for everyone. AND thee nerve to just walk down the aisle and sit in my seat without asking and then offer me a trash ticket as a consolation. Are you drunk?

Speaking of Drunk...

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Listen, Linda, I know you’ve had a hard week. Maybe you’re traveling to an experience you really don’t want to deal with. Your husband is stressing you out. Your children are bad (more on that later). You want to knock the edge off...so you get a little something to sip on. Whatever you gotta do to get up out the hood. I ain’t mad at cha. But Linda, honey, you know you can’t hold your liquor so why are you ordering more than a couple? Do you know what’s more annoying than a drunk person when you’re not drunk and in a small bus with wings? Being burned alive. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing else worse. Don’t be like Linda.

Not Raising Your Children

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Ok, that’s extreme. But forreal, y’all are bringing your unruly children onto long flights with people who work hard for their coins to afford a plane ticket only for little Trevor to kick the back of their seat for 4 hours why you ignore him like you do at home? Nah. Babies are fine. We understand that they cry. They’re on a plane. They don’t know what’s happening. They don’t understand reason. Their ears hurt and they don’t like it. But your 6 year old who understands very well that he’s in a public place who has unbuckled his seatbelt and is now standing next to me asking me where babies come from? He’s wild. You and him need to have a chat. Here’s the new rule: if your child kicks my seat more than 5 times---I get to kick him/her when we get off the plane. Life lessons can be taught early.

Talking On The Phone After They’ve Announced Phones Should Be Off.

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Come on! You heard the announcement. But now you’re on the phone telling Nancy that when your flight lands you’re marching straight over to Janet’s and giving her a piece of your mind so we’re all forced to turn around and stare at you because we think that you’re going to be the reason our plane crashes during take off. Ma’am. turn. your. phone. off. Nancy is hyping you up. Janet is minding her business. And we all gotta die because you haven’t mastered the art of the quick pre-flight text? Don’t do this.

Standing Up As Soon As The Flight Ends.

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Where are you going? Do you have wings? Are you a ghost? Do you not think anyone is going to stand up before you? Have you seen this work somewhere before? If I had the time I would literally conduct a study on the minds of people who hop straight out of their seats only to stand in the aisle and wait. What makes you all tick? Are you also the people who don’t use blinkers before switching lanes? Do you think BeBe and CeCe Winans are husband and wife? We are all laughing at you. We think you're completely ridiculous and we don't understand how you make it through life on a daily basis with your limited understanding of logic. Those are the facts. 

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Flying has become just as much a part of our everyday lives as driving so we’ve gotta establish some basic rules to follow so that we can all co-exist. What are your traveling pet peeves? Let’s discuss...

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Iman Milner2 Comments