Don't Invite Me To Your Wedding If: A Comprehensive List
The time has come for us to have a chat. If you clicked on this article it's for one of two reasons: you're getting married---awwwww---or you're being invited to a ton of weddings---same, girl, same---either way, this one's for you!
Now, before I get started, let me say that I am so overjoyed at the amount of love on social media. I enjoy clever wedding hashtags and will watch your wedding video. I am obsessed with seeing other women in wedding dresses even though I haven't given much thought to my own...like ever. I get choked up if tears are present in ceremony pictures, especially in the grooms eyes. I say all of this to say: i love weddings. I love love. I love pretty dresses and Black people doing the electric slide to Before I Let You Go. I love that White people always get hype to Don't Stop Believing. It's all great.
But some of y'all are tripping. And it's time that someone addressed it. So, don't invite me to your wedding if:
You're Having a Dry Reception
Listen, in the year of our Lord 2017, I'm going to need there to be at least wine at your function. Do you know how stressful it is to be nice to your touchy feely Uncle who asks too many personal questions without a little nectar? Have you any clue how much anxiety is induced by watching your bank account deplete to take part in someone else's life milestone and not be able to drown that worry in tequila? Look, I'm not saying I'm coming for the drinks but...I'm not not saying it either. "But what if it's at a place that doesn't allow alcohol?"---make better choices.
You're Having a Band Instead Of A DJ
Nope, not interested in hearing a cover band version of "This Is How We Do It". Not today, not ever. Again, this is your day and you should do whatever fills your heart with Maxine Waters after Trump's impeachment but just...save the postage. I've never seen a wedding DJ forsaken nor his seed begging bread for a reason: because wedding receptions are more fun when there's good music. Look, I'm not saying that I'm there for the reception...but I'm not not saying it either.
Your Families Are Beefed Out and There's Any Chance of a Fight
Hey, I know, we all have our issues. I'm not one to judge the next man or woman but if I'm dressing up, flying out, etc...I don't want to duck and dodge fists at your function, cuh. Or, worse, drinks. (and if you don't have drinks at your wedding, see number 1). If there's beef, you know before you get to the date and I'm not saying you can't go through with the wedding...just leave me off the list. I'll still send you a gift...because, I'm classy.
Your Ring Bearer Is A Pet of Any Kind
Take that tuxedo off of that dog. It's not cute, it's weird. Your dog doesn't care about your wedding day. The humans there barely care so your pet really doesn't. I need you to know this. I need you to accept this. I need you to grasp this. And some of you deny the children in your family the opportunity to be adorable because Bubbles is "like your child"...no, no he isn't. He's your pet. If you know your plan is to have Fido spring down the aisle with a pillow hat attached to his poor head...just...save a tree and don't invite me.
You, Your Parents or Your Immediate Family Members are Republicans
Not a lot to say here other than if I get stuck at the table with your cousin who believes that God led her to vote for Trump because she can't support abortion or gay marriage---furniture will be moved. Furniture. Will. Be. Moved. Jesus wept.
It Costs More Than $700 To Arrive At Your Wedding Destination
Especially...if I'm in the wedding. I understand that some of you have dreamed of overlooking the sand dunes of Dubai and I believe that God will grant you the desires of your heart but can you ask him to Venmo me the plane ticket money as well? Cash App if he's feeling fancy. Consider this...we have our lives to go back to after your special day. My landlord won't care that you and Bae had us dressed in African garb in Kenya sharing grapes with giraffes when I can't pay my rent the next month. And, I'm not saying that I care about paying my rent...wait...no, that's exactly what I'm saying.
I'm Your Only Black Friend
I spend the majority of my life being the lone Black person in all-white spaces. I never have to pay money to feel like an outsider and I'm not going to start with your nuptials. I will not be the person responsible for teaching your family how to dougie. I will not be the receiver of the uncomfortable eye when Kanye's "GoldDigger" comes on and people really want to sing the unedited version of the chorus. I will not act like I want to hear Living On A Prayer instead of, literally, anything else. I don't want to answer questions about "surviving" Detroit or hear how it's "really turning around". And I don't want to be put at the table with the one Asian couple that you know. If I'm your only Black friend, you need to see more of the world before you get married and it shows. I can't be down with that...un-uh, no way.
In closing...I just want to say, Viola Davis is a majestic Queen who literally has so many moments that I could use just her gifs for the rest of my life as a writer. But also, you only have one life and, unless you're the 45th President of the USA, you only get married once. You should be as true to yourself and your wishes as possible but we the people are spending our hard-earned money to share in this day with you so...give us a little consideration.
Or don't. But don't be mad if I'm at home on your wedding day with a good book, a bowl of cherries and a glass of wine.