It Gets Better

I am an avid journaler. I can’t imagine not having a place to share my feelings and thoughts (because i don’t use Facebook for that…no shade). Moving away from home at 17, traveling the world, moving to Los Angeles, falling in and out of love with friends/lovers, battling depression, fearing what’s next — -all of it can be found between the pages of my journals. I am constantly resisting the urge to let fear, anxiety and whatever else control my mind. Journals help me keep things in perspective because I can always revisit and track how far I’ve come.

I came across a journal entry from one of the roughest years in my life, 2014, and I started to think of how much things changed even within a year from the date I wrote it but especially now…almost 3 years later. And I decided to share it!

2/5/2014
feelings of fear
pain in my chest
fire in my guts
no love on the inside
screams fith their way through
my body
tears run unto thoughts of suicide
on the way out of
my eyes
i know no joy,
forget to smile
and shrink my desires
to keep my sanity.
no one seems to notice
how far way
from the spirit
i am.
prayers trip on broken promises
on their way out of
my mouth.
where is my God?
has he traded his role of Savior
for lesson teacher?
at my peril does he
rejoice?
for i know the plans i have for you
for i know the plans i have for you
for i know the plans…
i don’t believe.
i don’t lie in wait…
i don’t look to the sky for answers
to dreams
that i can’t even stomach.
i exist in the physical
but my soul is dormant.

I was in such a dark place when I wrote these words — -I was afraid and felt alone. I wanted out of everything…even life.

Read the rest on Perfection Is A Myth here.

Iman MilnerComment