It Gets Better

I am an avid journaler. I can’t imagine not having a place to share my feelings and thoughts (because i don’t use Facebook for that…no shade). Moving away from home at 17, traveling the world, moving to Los Angeles, falling in and out of love with friends/lovers, battling depression, fearing what’s next — -all of it can be found between the pages of my journals. I am constantly resisting the urge to let fear, anxiety and whatever else control my mind. Journals help me keep things in perspective because I can always revisit and track how far I’ve come.

I came across a journal entry from one of the roughest years in my life, 2014, and I started to think of how much things changed even within a year from the date I wrote it but especially now…almost 3 years later. And I decided to share it!

2/5/2014
feelings of fear
pain in my chest
fire in my guts
no love on the inside
screams fith their way through
my body
tears run unto thoughts of suicide
on the way out of
my eyes
i know no joy,
forget to smile
and shrink my desires
to keep my sanity.
no one seems to notice
how far way
from the spirit
i am.
prayers trip on broken promises
on their way out of
my mouth.
where is my God?
has he traded his role of Savior
for lesson teacher?
at my peril does he
rejoice?
for i know the plans i have for you
for i know the plans i have for you
for i know the plans…
i don’t believe.
i don’t lie in wait…
i don’t look to the sky for answers
to dreams
that i can’t even stomach.
i exist in the physical
but my soul is dormant.

I was in such a dark place when I wrote these words — -I was afraid and felt alone. I wanted out of everything…even life. Making it through that period in my life will always be something that I am extremely proud of. A year to the date that I wrote that entry I stood in a room full of women I admire and accepted an award for work I made with a talented group of artists I believe in while my mother sat beaming in the audience. Two years from the date I wrote this, I was settling in to my first big girl apartment in Los Angeles with a shelf to put that award on. And next month — -3 years since my pen wrote these words from my heart — -I can say I’ve accomplished so many of the things I was worrying would never happen on that date. I can honestly say that “it gets better”. If you’re in a rough spot…just know…three years from today you’ll look back on this time and see how resilient you are. You’ll be proud and glad that you’re alive to share your journey wih the next person.

And if you’re in need of a really good journal…I’m willing to send you one. Or be an email pen pal to help through the tough times. But trust me…if you’re alive and breathing — -the story is not over.

Iman MilnerComment